I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
