if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
