Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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