Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
