I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
