Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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