I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
