Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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