haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
