Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
