sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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