I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
