Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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