well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
