george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
