worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
