he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
