youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
