Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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