Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
