I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
