the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
