I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
