I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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