i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
