corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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