My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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