Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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