My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
