Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
