I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
