i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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