Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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