Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
