Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
