I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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