then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
