Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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