I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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