i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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