I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
