I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
