I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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