Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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