Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize