Your face is a jimmy john
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
