Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
