mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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