It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
