If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
