im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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