this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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