i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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