I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
