Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
