Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
