it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
