i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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