Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
