please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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