why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
