I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
