my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize