Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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