tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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