i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
