there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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