Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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