Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
