This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize