I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize