Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
