I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
