Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize