Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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