You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
