your thong is hanging out like whoa
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
