You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
