Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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